I don’t think it’s a secret that I’m pretty much the worst adult in existence. I save no money, I let dishes pile up in my sink, I don’t put my clean laundry away until it gets all mixed up and I have no idea what is clean anymore. I woke up this morning in a very “WHY AM I LIKE THIS” mood. Why do I have no money? I work 6 days a week, I make money but it seems to disappear much faster than I ever anticipate. Why do I have an entire sink full of dishes and trash that needs to be taken out? I wake up at the ass crack of dawn everyday and I usually don’t work until 4pm. What am I doing with all of that time? I have literally no idea.
I go through these phases that I just decide I’m going to be a real adult and get organized and get on top of my shit. I was at the airport a few months ago and saw this book. It’s bright yellow and in bold capital letters it states, “YOU ARE A BADASS“. Shut up and take my money. I hadn’t even opened the book yet and I’d already decided I’m going to save a shit ton of money, lose a shit ton of weight, and generally become a happy and radiant new woman. I made a list in my head of things I needed to do, told myself this was going to be easy and I was ready to get. it. together.
I read a chapter or two on the plane. Read another at work. Flipped through a couple pages at the beach. It sits next to my bed and sometimes I glance over at it and wonder why it hasn’t changed my life yet. Oh, probably because it’s still book marked at page 77 and I’ve already forgotten everything up until that point. Again, WHY AM I LIKE THIS.
I’ll have days of organization, usually when I take my ADD medication, and I make all of these goals and decide on all of these life changes and then my organizational high wears off because someone asks me to go to the beach and I obviously can’t say no. I decide I want to lose weight and spend $135 on a gym membership and I go for a week then I get bored. I do 7 loads of laundry and then get home and let it sit in the basket until it’s time to laundry again.
Real life story: On Wednesday morning, I took all of my bed linens and all but 1 of my towels to the laundromat. I went to St. Thomas for the entire day and by the time I got back and had spent a fair amount of the day sipping straight from a bottle of Tito’s, I really didn’t feel like going to get cash all the way in town then going all the way to pick up my stuff. So I decided I would suffer just one night without any SHEETS or PILLOWCASES on my bed. At the ripe age of 24, who does that?! Oh. It gets better. Yesterday was Thursday, and I woke up in a mood only the beach, lunch, and my bed could cure. I had to be at work at 3:45 so the game plan was to leave the house at 3:15, go into town to get cash then go get my laundry. Did I do that? No I did not. So last night, I put a long sleeve shirt on, laid on top of my mattress topper and put my one clean towel over my body. I should be too ashamed to put that in writing on the internet, but in the name of full disclosure, this is just who I am as a person.
I ask myself when is it going to click. When will the day come that I decide to make changes and then actually continue bettering myself for more than a week? It’s frustrating. I want to be better, I want to make these changes, and I want the energy and the motivation to stick with something. To stick with ANYTHING. I’ve told myself that if I don’t become this Type A functioning adult that I dream of, it’ll happen when I become a mom. Mom’s seem to always know what they’re doing, so when I become a mom I’ll just crush the game. I’ve got the childcare thing down, it’s what I do for a living and they do seem to like me. So maybe with my own maternal instinct, along will come the drive to do the dishes and mop the floor occasionally. No? Not how that works? A girl can dream.
I don’t really have an answer for this problem of mine. It’s all mental, and all it takes is some commitment because I have all of the tools I need to succeed in being who I want to be. Maybe one day, I’ll get a letter from insurance and call them that same day instead of putting it on my fridge for 6 months while hoping it just goes away. One day, my apartment will stay clean for longer than a week, and one day I’ll mop my floors. One day (hopefully today), I’ll put the clean clothes away that are sitting in the basket on my floor, instead of laying in my bed and writing a blog post about it. Maybe one day I’ll finish reading this book and it’s going to change my life. I’ll have a glorious transformation, I’ll become the badass that Jen Sincero tells me that I am, I’ll write about it and look back on this post and laugh at the girl I once was. One day.