Radiating Positive F&%*ing Energy

I don’t know if the full moon really has anything to do with my life spiraling out of control once a month, but since I have moved to St. John I have definitely paid attention to the moon and what goes on in my life during the full moon. I always seem to get some text that will throw me off for a couple days, or one of my relationships will all of the sudden be strained and I just feel totally out of control and have no idea how to handle any stress other than to just cry and act like my entire life is falling apart. That’s kind of my go-to.

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In the couple of days leading up to this past full moon I started to get really anxious and I just knew things were going to get screwed up. I’ve had a really good month, I’ve been generally pretty happy, so of course I was just waiting for it to all blow up in my face. And it did! Because that’s just how shit works for me. I don’t have anxiety all of the time but when I do, it is pretty drastic. I annoy myself with how down I get, how much I over-analyze every situation, and how I can’t stop talking about the same stupid things to my friends over, and over, and over again (my friends and roommate are nodding their heads in agreement as they read this). That is pretty much how I have been during the full moons, coincidence or not, and now that the moon is going back to how I like it, I feel myself being a little less crazy.

“The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.” When I get into these funks, the thing I try to remind myself of the most is that you get what you give. I totally believe that we are in a universe that hears us, feels us, and picks up on our energy. When I am able to pull myself out of a slump by just screaming at myself, “YOU’RE FINE, YOU’RE HAPPY, YOU’RE SO STABLE AND PUT TOGETHER!”, I start off really not believing that any of that shit is true, but if I put off that energy, positivity will come back to me. IT WILL. BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT (kind of, but I still might be trying to convince myself).

I said goodbye to my closest family friends this morning as their vacation, and my staycation ended. I had so much fun while they were here, of course it went by way too fast, and the end always just sucks. I sobbed in the car on my way home and I called Dakota and said “Hey, I’m gonna pick you up, and I’m gonna cry, and I need that to be fine.” As always, it was, and she sat there and listened to me give myself a pep-talk, and we both laughed as I was gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, holding back tears saying, “I am just going to be happy. I am going to radiate positive fucking energy.” Positive. Fucking. Energy.

Life is just shitty sometimes. Sometimes when you’re a 23 year old girl, totally in over your head, no real plans or commitments, it can just really suck. Sometimes life is amazing and you don’t even know how you got so lucky to live the way that you do, but then in the blink of an eye or the change of a moon phase, it can all go to shit. You have no control over the vast majority of things in your life, but what you can control is what you put into this world and give off into the universe. When Dakota got out of the car this morning, I said “Okay QUICK, give me a pep-talk!” She tried to quote The Help but totally screwed it up, so I reminded her that the talk goes, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” In true Dakota fashion, she added, “You is sexy. You is ready.” True.

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