In the past 6 months of living on St. John, I have come to realize how many profound differences there are between vacationing here and residing here. While on vacation I remember craning my neck out of the taxi while driving down North Shore Road trying to soak up every glimpse of the overlooks as we passed by. I’ve noticed lately that I don’t even glance over anymore. The beauty of the island hasn’t changed, it’s just as stunning as it was last summer, but my perspective has changed and I’m not sure I like that.
A lot has happened in the past couple of months, on island and at home, and I’ve been feeling a little numb. I go to work, I go to the beach on my days off, I hang out with my friends…but I don’t think I’m taking as much out of this experience as I should be. I’m tired of spending days in a bad mood over a stupid reason, I’m tired of not being happy enough with myself to enjoy being alone, and I’m really tired of feeling like there is “nothing to do.”
My roommate had a friend visit and she had never been anywhere like the Caribbean before. She was overwhelmed with how amazing St. John is and as we sat on the beach watching the sunset over Cruz Bay, she went on and on about how happy everyone looked. That made me think about how I don’t even notice that anymore…I don’t notice the toddlers shrieking as the water splashes on their tiny toes, or the honeymooners taking too many kissing selfies, or the amount of joy pouring out of people who have worked all year for their one week. That is a pretty overpowering thought- people work all year long to be able to spend a week on this island and I can say with certainty that I have wasted a full week here being in a shitty mood.
I am taking a vow to work on filtering out negative thoughts, focusing on my own happiness, and exploring to find more to make me feel fulfilled. There is a whole world here on this little island and it is time to refresh and see it from a new perspective. I am going to stop thinking about how I’d rather be in bed when someone asks if I want to go sit on an overlook after spending too long in town. I am going to stop compulsively checking my phone in hopes for a text while the sun is setting over the ocean right in front of me. I have been letting bad vibes and routineness cloud the views. I am going to stop overlooking overlooks.