180’s and 360’s

Wow, wow, wow. Okay so, I officially live in the Virgin Islands. I am currently on day 5. I don’t have internet at my apartment, so I am using my very valuable Netflix time while babysitting at the Westin to update y’all- aka that’s a big deal. Things have been all over the place, and for as much laying around as I’ve been doing I feel pretty damn exhausted. But I’m going to go back to day 1 to explain that.

On Saturday morning, January 2nd, my alarm went off at 5am and I immediately started sobbing. I said goodbye to my very special friend, dragged my near lifeless body upstairs and croaked “moooooooooom heeeeeeeelp”. Before we even got to the basement so she could help me finish packing, I had to take a break on the stairs to continue sobbing. My already overstuffed suitcase laid on the floor with things scattered all around it that somehow needed to be shoved in, but I just laid on the floor and sobbed instead. My stepdad came down to help and got everything finished up while I- you guessed it- continued to sob. I was running late, I was a freakin’ mess, and they asked me if I could get a later flight or leave in a few days. As much as I wanted to just crawl back in bed, I told them that if I didn’t get on my 8am flight, I would not be getting on a flight at all. I made it through the airport and sat at my gate…on the floor and continued to sob. The people around me must have been like “yo, this bitch is getting on a flight to St. Thomas and she hasn’t stopped crying she needs to chill.” I for sure needed to chill. I got on the plane and realized I hadn’t charged my phone or my kindle, but was relieved each seat had a TV. I plugged my headphones in and tried to flip through the channels but apparently the crew got to decide what played on every single persons TV, and for the entire flight we watched the same 1 episode of MythBusters about 8 times. I know a lot about the most difficult plane to fly and if a drone can actually slice your neck open. Spoiler alert: neither myth was busted and they were both determined to be plausible.

Nothing really interesting happened on the rest of my journey other than being 5’3 and dragging two suitcases through the islands, one of them weighing 67.5lbs #strugglebus. My roommate was just leaving for work when I got to my apartment, so I sat in my empty room in my quiet apartment, and searched for flights home for the next day. Oh, I full on lost my shit. I called everyone and said nope I’m not doing this I’m coming home see ya soon xoxo bye. I really didn’t care about losing any money or backing out on any commitments, I was full on ready to take my ass back to Ashburn.

The next day was pretty much the same, but I got to go to work! Work made me feel about 10x better, not only because of the AC and internet access, but just because I had a place to be and I couldn’t cry anymore because no one wants to leave their kid with an emotionally unstable babysitter. No one. So I took a cold shower and rallied and was actually really excited to be at work and have some interaction with a tiny human because tiny humans are the best kind. Work is great. I love work. I love babies. I love air conditioning and wifi.

Monday was better. I went to Cinnamon Bay with my two girlfriends, took some cool video footage, played around with my new awesome underwater camera, and took a nap in the sun.

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Roomie had to go right to work after the beach, so again I came back to an empty apartment and started to lose my mind again *common theme of this post*. I texted my friend who I met when I was here for Thanksgiving, told her I was feeling a little miserable and she immediately offered to come pick me up and take me to her place just to hang out and have company. I wasn’t done with my pity party so I told her I was fine and I was just going to shower and keep myself busy, but as good friends do, she didn’t take no for an answer and told me she was coming over. We sat and talked for a couple of hours and not even just about what I was feeling but just everything else in the world so I got to stop thinking about my own issues and just listen and have a friend. A good one. Those are the ones you hang on to.

Tuesday, day 4, was amazing. I went to the Westin pool and had a few beers with my friend, then some of her friends pulled their boat into the Westin waters and came and picked us up on their dinghy and onto the boat. We just talked, and drank, and after a few too many, decided to swim out to the inflatable slide and water trampoline and DAMN those things are harder to get onto than anticipated. You go little 6 year olds with incredible hulk strength- you go. St. John gives you calf muscles, not arm muscles, so I’m sure that was a sight to see. By the time we swam back in, dinner was waiting for us on the table. We had a spinach, feta & apple salad, with teriyaki broccoli and grilled shrimp, and chocolate chip cookies. I was welcomed onto a persons boat that didn’t even know me, was given drinks and dinner, and most importantly cookies. God bless anyone who talks to me and gives me cookies honestly. Yesterday I felt on top of the world and like I was never going to leave. I felt like I did a 180, and my idea of going home next month was long gone and wanted to stay until at least March.

Well I woke up today, day 5, the boat buzz was gone, I was alone again and completed the 360 back to “get me the f off this island.” I’m obviously way too irrational at this point to make any decisions or buy any tickets, but this is immensely harder than I thought it would be. I planned for an apartment, I planned for a job, I planned for having friends to meet up with. I didn’t plan for saying goodbye to my family and friends. I didn’t plan for my heart sinking any time someone from home calls me because I just don’t want to talk about it anymore because I don’t have any answers. I’m tired of hearing “give it 3 months” or “this is what you wanted and you put money into it” because oh I am well aware of how much money I’ve put into it. Just today, I bought 1 package of lettuce, 1 (ONE) chicken breast, a basically travel size bottle of syrup and a box of eggo waffles- think about how much that would cost you at Giant or Food Lion…$10 maybe? Ok now in St. John world, that was a $27 transaction. I am struggling with figuring out what this is worth to me, is it worth sticking it out and spending all of this money while right now I feel miserable 70% of the time? Or do I cut my losses and go home before I dig myself into a hole and risk regretting giving up so easily?

Everyone tells you that living on St. John and vacationing on St. John are two different things. They are very, very right about that. Vacationing on St. John is seeing St. John through rose colored glasses. Living on St. John is still seeing the most beautiful place on earth every day, but knowing how damn hard you have to work to not let it eat you alive. It’s hard for me to leave 50 minutes before I have to work because I have a 15 minute walk into town and then I have to rely on taxi drivers who are on island time to get me to work on time. Every day I’ve been 30 minutes early to work, today I had about 30 seconds to spare because island time. It’s hard for me to want to just run out and do something but not be able to jump in my car. I lay in bed during the day because it’s so hot, so to already be hot and know you have to go hike into town and literally drench your body in sweat just for some human interaction and coffee? So I am severely decaffeinated and handcuffed to my fan.

It’s tough and I keep going back and forth about what to do, but I’m giving myself time to stick to one decision and not make any more steps forward or back. I absolutely love St. John, but I really love home and I really love my family and friends. I was really wrapped up in this idea of seeing the world and being adventurous while I’m young, but with adventure comes goodbyes. Goodbyes suck. Well I’m rambling and need to take advantage of my netflix access. If you call me I probably won’t answer because I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself while I’m laying in paradise and its 17 degrees in VA. Yeah, I realize the irony. Just hate me from afar, karma will bite me in the ass.

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6 thoughts on “180’s and 360’s

  1. When I was 22 and moved to San Diego with Nick- “with” being a very loose theoretical Navy term- I was also miserable. MISERABLE! It’s very hard to leave your family. I’ll be praying for you Victoria! That you will feel connected and start to put down roots. And that something will happen with how hot it is- because that’s no joke.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have heard that phrase before: that it is nice to visit but not nearly as nice to live there, as you must work for the tourist crowd. But, I too, would recommend you give it 90-days. I was reminded, as I read your post, of how I felt when I went off and joined the Army, I was really missing family and friends and was thrust into a strange and unfamiliar world. I was like the heck with this, for days, weeks and months. But, eventually I started to fit my life into my new life, meet people and do things, and after all, it was my new job and I was on an enlistment contract. So, I would say that all the emotions you are feeling are normal, and hundreds of thousands have experienced those emotions too, and yet, have adjusted and on the other-side, would probably say that they are glad. Try it. Thanks for the posts!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hang in there , keep writing, St Thomas sounds like an excellent and beautiful muse for creative writing and there is nothing better for being with your own soul than writing. Thank you for sharing your stories. I can wholeheartedly relate to some of what your expressing. Keep writing!!!
    Sending love and positive thoughts,
    Claire

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  4. Think about how you would feel once you got home. Think about, once you reunited with friends and family, how you would feel about coming home early. Nothing’s permanent. Everything has a shelf life. This adventure, too, shall come to an end. So why don’t you let it end naturally, by following your dream, and enjoying the ride.

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