Mixed Emotions.

Closing in on the final days before I move. 6 nights, 5 days. I’m trying to just be slow and take time to enjoy every moment, but I also want to squeeze in as much as I can into these days and it is just hard. I’m kind of struggling with people asking me about St. John, and I so deeply appreciate hearing what people have to say and I love that people are interested in my journey but right now, in these last few days, that’s all I want it to be. I just want to be here, with my friends and with my family, and not talk about the future or plans or anything…I just want to be here, now. An old coworker had that as a tattoo, “here, now.” Stuck with me. I want to remember that wherever life takes me. I can’t control so much of what lies ahead so I just want to focus on the present moment, at least for now.

I was in a very different place when I started this whole thing about St. John. I had one semester of college left and I was totally over school. I was in a bad place in a relationship and did something horrible to get myself out because I was too much of a coward to work for something that I convinced myself wasn’t good, but in these past couple of months I figured out just how good it was and still is. I can’t say this with certainty, but I think I have the chance to try to repair the damage and work to build it back up if I stay. I don’t know if I’ll have that chance when I get back. Scary, right? You can’t make decisions based on the what-ifs, so I’m going to have to make this decision based on the fact that I’ve put a deposit down on an apartment and paid rent for 2 1/2 months without living there. Ouch. It hurts when I remember that part. So I just have to be realistic and know that I have set this up for myself in whatever place I was in that decided I needed to do this. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely excited. But I have 9 million other feelings as well. Someone is dragging me on that plane, that’s all I know.

Whether I am there for 3 months, 6 months, or a year, I am still proud of myself for taking a leap of faith on a crazy adventure, and heres to hoping I get something out of it other than flip-flop tan lines and an outrageous bar tab. I go back and forth on if I like the idea of “life is short” but today I think I’m feeling the opposite. Life is literally the longest thing we do as humans. I have the time to jet off to an island, and I have time to figure my shit out when I get back. I have time to start a career and time to start a family. For the past 16 1/2 years I have been in school and constantly doing what someone else is telling me I’m required to do. Now I am at the part of my life where I get to decide if I want a break from following rules, making deadlines, and constantly running from place to place. I just want to sit down and breathe.

I don’t think that really requires moving to an island for anyone out there who needs a break too- but it doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Find your St. John- whether it be a tropical beach, or a massage table at the best spa in town, or if it is just the comfiest spot on your couch with a cup of coffee…go there. Life is LONG- there is time to do the next thing on your to-do list. If there isn’t time, it wasn’t that important anyways. Do what makes you feel good, do what makes you happy, make memories and impressions on your people and your world. Like the song says, “it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you, it’s what you leave behind you when you go.” Find your St. John and leave part of yourself there. I think that’s what really matters.

*I started out sad and scared and then left ya with a pep-talk. Mixed emotions y’all.*

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2 thoughts on “Mixed Emotions.

  1. You my dear certainly do have a gift for writing! Mixed Emotions, we all have this from time to time….You have wonderful family and friends who love and support your decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t go
      Mixed emotions, the island will always be there. After three weeks you want to come home.

      Maybe you can still repair the past its ok
      to change you’re plans
      True love is rare, and it’s the only thing that gives life real meaning.

      Jimmy buffet

      Think ..

      Like

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