Why.

In my past posts, I think I’ve pretty much explained why I want to make this move, so I think this post will be more of a wrap-up of the beginning series of my blog. This post concludes “the who, what, when, where, and why of a 22 year old moving to the Virgin Islands”, and I don’t really know what is going to come next, but I suppose we will find out together! But for the sake of sticking to the point, lets revisit the “why”.

I don’t really know what I want to do next. I know what I want to be, a crisis pregnancy counselor, but I’m not ready to go back to school and get my masters, or get my license to be a counselor, which includes 3,000 hours of supervision to obtain…that is a big number for a girl who is exhausted from a 400 hour internship. If I just graduate in December and stick around Virginia, I would have to make the next move in my career. Whether it is entry-level social work, or continuing my education, that’s something I would have to decide in the next couple of months. I am really not in a place to make that sort of decision, so I think fleeing the country sounds easier.

I went through a breakup, or still going through it, and to be completely honest, I don’t know how to move on. I made choices that led me to this place, because I thought its what I wanted, but in the past couple of months of being back at school and looking back on the past two and a half years and the reason I made the choices I did, all I see is regret. I’m sad about the way everything happened, I want to fix it, but I did things that can’t really be fixed. There have been times during this past semester that I’ve felt like things are how they used to or I can have everything back that I let go of, but I know that is fleeting. Being around the person I let go of and realizing how much pain I caused because I didn’t know what I wanted and I made selfish choices while trying to figure it out, has made me ache for a time machine to go back and fix everything while I still could. It was never perfect, it wasn’t perfect from day 1, but it was ours. I’ll never know if it would have worked out, and I can’t let the unknown drive me crazy, but that’s kind of my thing. I like to sit around and think myself dizzy and have to stay in bed for 3 days because I’ve physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted myself from getting so worked up. It’s super healthy.

Getting myself re-attached over the past semester was definitely not the best choice I could have made because there is an end date. But if I can spend a few more weeks, or even days or minutes with my best friend, I’m going to. Leaving is going to SUCK. It’s the choice I made and I have to believe that it’s for the best, but I can’t keep myself from crying every time I think of the day I’m going to say goodbye. I try really hard not to think about it because being miserable in the meantime isn’t going to help anything, so instead I just try to live in the moment that I’m in and trust that God will help me make peace with where I am in my life, and help me move on. So that is a big part of the why. I am happy right now, but whether I move or not, there is an end date to what I have. I made a choice that put me in this position, and all I can do is figure out where to go from here. I don’t think I can be ok while I’m here, and if I can move on I think I have to make a big change and totally occupy myself with something brand new…like living on a rock in the middle of the ocean. That should occupy some space into my crazy brain.

For the sake of my poor roommates who are going to walk out into the living room to see me sobbing over my computer while shoving Twizzlers in my mouth, I am moving on to the next subject! Part of the reason I want to move to St. John is really just St. John in itself. I went on and on in my “where” post, but God it is just a magical place. When I feel anxious or sad about leaving, I always try to take a second to just think about St. John and how much I love it there, and it is really calming. It’s really scary to be a 22-year-old moving 2,000 miles away from home, but I really love St. John. I have “met” so many people through Facebook that I can’t wait to hang out with when I get there, and I even have an awesome roommate that I can’t wait to see and see OUR APARTMENT! I won’t deny that I’m scared, but I know that I am going to be ok. I have people there, and the people in St. John are good people to have. I’ll be ok.

Honestly, I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t go. There are so many uncertainties in my life right now and I will have to face them all when I graduate in 41 short days. I don’t care if I’m running away, I don’t care if I’m not being an adult and making smart choices about my future. I would rather be a runaway than be miserable. I don’t want to muster up the little strength I have left to move on from my breakup. I don’t want to apply to a million jobs and go to interviews and climb the ladder. I don’t want to apply to graduate school, or plan out 4 years of getting my masters and license. I just don’t want to do it. I want to go away, I want to RUN away, because I’m scared. And you know what? That’s fine. I’m allowed to be scared because the things I have going on and coming up are scary. So if taking one year to myself to just GO and not sit down and plan out how my life is going to go from here is going to make me feel better and going to put me in a better place to make those decisions when its time, then I’m going to do it.

This has been a hard week and I’m sad and scared about the next few weeks, so I don’t have much positivity or interest to put into this post, but my life is a rollercoaster and since I’m feeling like I’m pretty much at the bottom of the slope, that means I’ll be going uphill soon. So stick with me, I’ll make sure I’m not crying over Halloween candy the next time I start writing. And in case none of this made any sense because I can’t promise I’m going to read this before I post it, when someone asks me why I’m moving, I always respond with, “I just want to take a year.” So that is the “why” to the people who don’t care enough to read into it- I just want to take a year.

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3 thoughts on “Why.

  1. You’re doing great! I understand your feeling of permanancy, but, you can always go home after a stay. I think that you should stay on your path to STJ. Your friends can visit, at 22 people are very adaptable! I do understand the emotions piling on and making you feel loaded rather than relieved….. you got this!

    Liked by 1 person

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